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This topic is for those who understand only English as well as for those who want to practice in the language. Here is can be anything such as news, jokes whatever. Welcome to the American world!
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Keep A Healthy Level OF Insanity

1. AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR WITH SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT A HAIR DRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN. LAUGH.

2. PAGE MYSELF OVER THE INTERCOM, DON’T DISGUISE MY VOICE.

3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS ME TO DO SOMETHING, ASK IF THEY WANT THAT SUPER SIZED.

4. PUT A GARBAGE CAN IN HUBBY’S MAIL AREA AND LABEL IT “IN”.

5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MAKER FOR 3 WEEKS. ONCE HUBBY HAS GOTTEN OVER THEIR CAFFEINE ADDICTIONS, SWITCH TO ESPRESSO. HEHE…ALL IN GOOD FUN OF COURSE.

6. IN THE MEMO FIELD OF ALL MY CHECKS, WRITE “FOR SEXUAL FAVORS”.

7. FINISH ALL MY SENTENCES WITH “IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY”. AND THEN JUST LOOK THEM BLANK IN THE EYES AWAITING A RESPONSE. (LAUGH INSIDE)

8. DON’T USE PUNCTUATION

9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK.

10. ASK STRANGE MEN WHAT GENDER THEY ARE.

11. SPECIFY THAT MY DRIVE-THRU ORDER IS “TO GO”.

12. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA.

13. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS DON’T RHYME.

14. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND MY WORK AREA & PLAY A TAPE OF JUNGLE SOUNDS ALL DAY.

15. FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN’T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT IN THE MOOD.

16.INTRODUCE HUBBY TO STRANGERS (ESPECIALLY SALESMEN IN STORES)BY HIS WRESTLING NAME, ROCK HARD.

17. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT OF THE ATM, SCREAM “I WON, I WON!! 3RD TIME THIS WEEK!!!!!” JUMP!! AND SKIP AWAY!

18. WHEN LOOKING FOR A PARKING SPOT AT THE ZOO, HAVE HUBBY DROP ME OFF AT THE BEST PARKING AREA AND START RUNNING TOWARDS THE PEOPLE WALKING IN, YELLING “GO BACK! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY’RE LOOSE!!!” INSTRUCT HUBBY TO TAKE THEIR SPOT.

19. TELL MY CHILDREN OVER DINNER, “DUE TO THE ECONOMY, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU

lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif
Санчо Пансо
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Help to find design of a small house. Who has photo send on a forum 0096.gif
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I have nothing to offer, try your luck somewhere else bye1.gif
*Космос*
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George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of

China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle

East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.

Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And

then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi

picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should

send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese

food in the Middle East?
Slavka_CA
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"AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR WITH SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT A HAIR DRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN. LAUGH."
I love the idea, gonna try it sometime :) wink.gif


PS Speak English here - Sputnik wink.gif

Это сообщение отредактировал Slavka_CA - 30-08-2005 - 19:27
saggittarius
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QUOTE (Любимый Спутник @ 17.08.2005 - время: 09:59)
This topic is for those who understand only English as well as for those who want to practice in the language. Here is can be anything such as news, jokes whatever. Welcome to the American world!

Creating of this topic is really good idea!!! Sputnik, u give an opportunity to communicate for those who wanna practice in the language!!!Respect!!!

Then I wanna ask...What time does it take to cross the country from one seaside to another? Start in California and final point is NY. I mean by car. If everything is fine, probably, next year I'll have a chance to visit the US for two weeks. So I wanna fulfil my funny dream - travelling through all the country on the wheels. Is anyone able to answer my question?
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saggittarius

All right... You got lucky, I am the traveler))) I have crossed the country from Minesota (It is on the North) to Miami... And also I have been in each and every state on the Eastern and Central part... And fll the South... What is remain is western part... I will work on that...

Shortly to answer you question - there are 2780.89 miles (4449.424 km) between Los Angeles and New York... The "clean" time of driving is 41 hours and 27 minutes... My suggestion is you should add to every 6-7 hours (it depends on you and on the kind of your car) 20-30 minutes - that's for stops for gas and rest areas, then add at least twice 9 hours multipiled by 2 - you are gonna sleep, right? And you will get an approximate idea how long it takes to drive form NY to LA...

PS When you are here let me know if you need any help smile.gif

United States in English
saggittarius
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Thanks, Sputnik. When I get the US I'll connect u. What concerns driving from one coast to another I'm not going to do it as fast as possible. I don't wanna get a new record of speed or smth like that. I want to travel visiting cities, towns and interesting places.
I hope I'll get there...
By the way...For how long u r there and what is the reason of ur moving to the US?
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I am here for 5 years... First I moved here just to get the education - PhD in physics, then I found a job as a scientist and stayed... I haved lived in three states such as Iowa, Louisiana nad Minesota... I love this country))) it is indeed a very convinient and comfortable place to live.
saggittarius
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I see...That's good u enjoy being there. One of my friends moved there by FSA program. U know, Freedom Support Act...He had to live there for a year but practically stayed there for 3 months. He felt himself uncomfortable everywhere.First he lived in LA, then Arroyo Grande(it's near LA), then in Oregon near Salem. Now he can't explain what was that thing that made him to come back. Smth disturbed him, made his living there uncomfortable. And that is...
And what's ur city of living?
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That is from saggittarius

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"
There's a few minutes of silence.
"No rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.
"Why not?" asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic.

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...... no mattah...alla same
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QUOTE (saggittarius @ 02.09.2005 - время: 04:38)
I see...That's good u enjoy being there. One of my friends moved there by FSA program. U know, Freedom Support Act...He had to live there for a year but practically stayed there for 3 months. He felt himself uncomfortable everywhere.First he lived in LA, then Arroyo Grande(it's near LA), then in Oregon near Salem. Now he can't explain what was that thing that made him to come back. Smth disturbed him, made his living there uncomfortable. And that is...
And what's ur city of living?

I think that is not for everyone to live alone in a foreign country...

I live in Iowa right now... City... By the Des Moines, which is the capital of Iowa...

-Is it Heaven?
- No, it's Iowa))))

Corn-filed-state. One of the most boring...
saggittarius
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I deleted it 'cause I've thought I put it in a wrong topic. I was going to paste it in the topic "Americans r kidding". Then understood u put it here 'cause it' in English.
white rabbit
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Why a polish guy wants to divorce from a canadian girl

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a
year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got

on very well.

Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he

could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick". The lawyer said that

the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances

and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds ?

POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with

bedrooms.

LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

Pole: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never

really needed one."

LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1

sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your

questions is yes."

LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?

POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?

POLE: NO, she white.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?

POLE: SHE going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?

POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?

POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store

and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish

Remover".
white rabbit
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Signs

Signs Seen Around the World
People in other countries always go out of their way to communicate with
English-speaking visitors.
Herewith a list of signs seen around the world, some too good not to pass on:

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE
GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner. Japan:
COOLES AND HEATHS:
IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Carrenta brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN.
TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN
TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On a riverbank highway;
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
POSTER :
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ?
IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

cemetery
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

Swiss restaurant menu:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL
OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU
WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND 'SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czech Republic:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS.
WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Bulletin board in a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
white rabbit
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Husband writes to his wife:

Sweetheart:

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart

Your husband
Allen



His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details:

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three
kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him
some other items ...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me; I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses
and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, please advice!!!

Your Sweet Heart

sinok16
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To Любимый Спутник
I'm not an expert in English language but I think that the name of this topic has incorrect meaning.

"United States in English
jokes, storys, anything but in Emglish"

means that one can use any language exept English and I think you meant opposite. drinks_cheers.gif

Это сообщение отредактировал sinok16 - 04-07-2006 - 19:56
Th3prof3ssion4L
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QUOTE (sinok16 @ 04.07.2006 - время: 18:55)
To Любимый Спутник
I'm not an expert in English language but I think that the name of this topic has incorrect meaning.

"United States in English
jokes, storys, anything but in Emglish"

means that one can use any language exept English and I think you meant opposite. drinks_cheers.gif

Anything , but in english. Better now ?
csuave03
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it is great to read this forum, i was having a headache trying to translate everything else

shansonchik
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There was an old American joke:
Why are men dieing earlier than women?
Because they WANT TO!
csuave03
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what does michael jackson love about 38 years olds?



that there is 30 of them
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I had my dreams crushed yesterday. It turns out the newspaper headline "Village still looking for paedophile" wasn't a vacancy.
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Hello ...

east coast anyone?
ggvg2
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Speeding Ticket

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

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